WTF!!!

10/28/2010

0 Comments

 
I must've said or thought, "WTF!", a thousand times in the first few weeks after the OBGYN confirmed that my wife was pregnant and still do to this day and I have a very strong feeling that I will continue to do so in the months to come. I was flooded with overwhelming contradicting emotions-happiness, joy, doubt and fear. Is this really happening? Am I really going to be a dad? The concept of two people in love, or not in love for that matter, creating a life is mind-blowing and unimaginable. My words here don't do my feelings justice...

 
One of the first things that I consciously remember changing about my daily actions was adjusting my driving practices. The day before my realization I was  very aggressive on the road. 70mph in a 40mph zone was business as usual for me; weaving in and out of traffic to find the path of least resistance was a game! Not anymore... I might as well dye my hair grey, pull my pants up to the bottom of my rib cage and call myself "pops". My current place on the road is now in the right lane observing  the speed limit and following the herd, so to speak. My wife can't stand it and I can't help it. I have a family now and I need to be around, in top working condition, for them. Wow! A family. My family. WTF!!!
 
Throughout my blog I may mention a variety of different products that I, my wife or my son use or do not use. I just want to make it clear that I have no loyalty whatsoever to any of them and am not being compensated, by any means, from any company.
 
Now hear this...

If any company is willing to shower me and my family with diamonds, gold and cold hard cash in return for a favorable review of their product; I may sell out and strong-arm my biases, favorably, in your direction. Hey, I got another mouth to feed!!!
 
I don't know about you but I have never stepped foot in an OBGYN's office. For the most part it looks like your typical run of the mill doctors office. You got your receptionist's desk, bathroom, waiting area and examining rooms. What's different and what intrigued me was the table in the exam room. Same as what I was used to but the kick was the stirrups at the end. Yup, stirrups! Picture your wife or girlfriend laying on her back on the table with each one of her legs up at an angle and both of her feet resting on what looks like a foot rest attached to the end of the table. Shocking, weird, interesting and at the same time, a bit of a turn on! Hey, in a different setting it could be fun!! Anyway, in walks the nurse/medical assistant to take my wife's blood pressure, weight, pee test and most importantly to take her blood. A few minutes later the doctor walks in and confirms that we're pregnant!! He said that according to his pregnancy calculator (Yes, he actually had a calculator) we conceived on Valentines Day! Awwww... Now ain't that romantic!!!!! I smiled knowingly at my wife and the doctor congratulated us and shook my hand. I'm gonna be a Daddy! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crazy! 

We made our second appointment for one month later and drove home. Ya' know what the first thing I did when we walked into the house? I went right for the drawer and yanked it open. I rifled roughly through the things in it and found the sperm cup. I grabbed it by it's neck, ripped it violently from where it lay, held it up above my head, dashed across the room and slam dunked that bitch into the garbage pail! Me? Not fertile! Bullshit!!!!! My joint works and works damn well! After a few hours of chest pounding I settled down, held my wife close, told her thank you and that I love her and drifted off to sleep...